They say that raindrops are the tears of a woman's unrequited love. They say lots of things. Behind a cloud there is a silver lining. There is a soul mate for one in the world, have patience. The common things. Everybody knew them. She herself knew them.
She supposed it was unrequited love then, and the rain suit the mood perfectly. They pattered on her window like light pebbles, so many drops staying close together, not touching each other, but within sight still. There was a meaning in that somehow but she didn’t really want to figure it out.
She touched her window pane gingerly and traced the outlines of each raindrop. The glass was cold. Her fingers left marks of condensation on it. It was simply idle movement. The kind where no thoughts entered the mind and yet the body still moved as if on autopilot. It was all good though. She didn’t want to think anymore. There was no point.
A finger was tapping the glass now. A drop of water fell and collided with another, forming a large teardrop that slipped down the window, ploughing through the smaller ones in its way. She sighed and idled no longer. She felt in a word – bad… drained. The scene was still fresh in her mind. A coffee house, the tiramisu cake that they both were sharing, her cup of latte that she had almost spilt. And those words! How could words be so kind and yet at the same time, hurt so much. It seemed improbable that things could appear so contradictory, but here they were, and she was suffering. She started poking her eyes with her fingers, scratching and rubbing them, anything to make them tear. She wanted to cry. A good cry could work wonders. It helped once before, it would work again. But not this time, it seemed, for reasons unknown. She felt worse off and decided to stop. Her eyes were beginning to hurt anyways.
She swivelled round to her laptop and with a sudden flourish of the mouse, entered her web-log or blog (to the less technologically inclined). She thought for a moment, gave mono-syllabic answers to friends who wanted an online conversation, and then began to write.
I Wish For A Rainbow
It is raining, and I’m loving every moment of it. Feels me with calm. And something more. I dunno. And I am calm. Why shouldn’t I be? What’s over is over! There’s nothing more than that!
Ok, so I lie, so I feel like the world’s taken a shit on me and people can’t stop laughing. I feel like… like life isn’t fair, God isn’t fair! The fucking universe isn’t fair!!!!! There I said it, fuck the world. Fuck this life! I wanna scream, I wanna shout, I wanna cry. But I can’t and I dunno why! What’s wrong with me?
I dunno wth’s wrong with me and I dun really exactly care. I just want this to stop. This terrible aching feeling within me.
I. Just. Want. It. To. Stop.
Is that a bloody crime? Is it my fault I’m feeling like shit? It’s not! It’s a fucking guy’s fault but even as I write this, even as I realise whose fault it is, whose stupid mouth and heart has screwed up my life for the moment, I realise simply… I cannot do anything about it.
Fuck
He said I was gentle. He complimented me. He stressed how pretty I was, how getting a guy would be easy for me. Well I wanted him and he didn’t bloody want me! What kind of rejection is that? If he bloody called me a stupid cow and hated me at first sight, things would be easier. I would be able to hate him. He wants to be frens. HE WANTS TO BE FRENS! And sadly, I know I will be his fren. I am that pathetic. Life is that funny. That ironic. I want to hate him. I want to scream at him, tell him that that bitch has nothing on me! If you like me, come with me! Why choose the person who is not me? Who is my utter opposite? Why?
Think about that when you see my carcass in the newspapers, a headline proclaiming what you did to me. Think about how you could have stopped me but didn’t. I want something like that to happen to you. Can you understand that? I like you. So damn much. Can you understand that? And I know you do too. But you have to be safe. You have to take the safer, easier route. Here’s my easy route.
Goodbye you.
Goodbye.
She clicked the publish button on the webpage and waited as the screen loaded. When that was done, she checked out the blog to see how it turned out. All seemed fine. She reached for a pack of cigarettes on her table and took out a single white filtered Marlboro Light. She held it in her mouth, savouring the taste of unlighted tobacco on her tongue. She liked to do that before the actual act of smoking it. Her friend thought it was like saying Grace before smoking. She thought it was pretty true. She took out a lighter and lit her cigarette. She breathed in deep and exhaled, creating a little circle of smoke with her mouth.
She walked to the balcony door and opened it. God it was cold! It was already full-blown winter and the rain and wind didn’t help with the warmth either. She braved the rain and strode onto the balcony. Her feet made small splashes in similarly small puddles of water. Wet, but refreshing somehow. And her view was beautiful. She could look out towards the park nearby and the view of the sunset was unblocked. It made for good picture-taking and sometimes, relaxing chill-outs. She looked down. Her balcony was seven stories above the ground, quite a long drop. Another deep breath, this time taking in the cool air in addition to the smoke into her. She exhaled slowly. If she were to fall, her worries would be over. She wouldn’t even be cold, nor feel the rain in her hair, on her skin, drenching her. She would not feel the ache in her heart. She gave a slight laugh. She wouldn’t feel much if she fell.
A beep from inside. It was her mobile phone. There was a message it seemed. She hurried inside and enjoyed the relative heat within for a moment before picking up her phone. The message was from Jocelyn, a friend from class.
The message read:
Hey… heard abt it. U ok? His loss yar? Dun think so much. Anywaes, we go tea later? I want stwbery fondue so much, tummy rumbling! :) Meet u at 4 ok at Central ok? Toodles
She read the message and smiled. It was a funny kind of smile, one that was not a beam, nor one totally cynical. It was sad but… content if one ever knew how contentment would be. She walked out onto the balcony again and leaned over the small wall that separated her and thin air. Then, with another deep, fresh breath, she decided to cry.
The End
For those it matters to. Arjuna philosophy another day.
