Ams called me sweet today. And said I was a wonderful person. And that I was nice. Now, not to say that I resent those compliments, I love her even more for them, but I was just thinking about a 'what if' scenerio. Rather than not being that sweet, or wonderful, or that much of a nice person, I would be a proud owner of a finely chiesled (spelling) face, a hot body, with a little bit higher than normal intelligence and social skills than now. Would I be all that more attractive?

Had a talk with Ams about looks and personality. Which one gets the other half. Looks assuredly catches the eye, who wouldn't notice somebody beautiful/handsome, with a great body to match, I mean... seriously. Who wouldn't be impressed and think, "Hey, that person is hot. I want him/her." Nobody usually gives the pimple-ridden guy a second glance now do they? Unless it's for laughing at. Pimple-ridden four-eyed weird nosed chaffed lipped lopsided faced people are usually good topics for ridicule. With enough beer, everybody's happy.

But I digress. The lady agreed with the attractiveness, and added in the point of personality over looks after that initial matchup. Looks aren't everything, she argued. And I agree. Personality will win over looks anyday, given enough time to know the subject. Herein lies the important factor: Time. A person has to devote enough time to invest in a relationship, be it platonic or romantic. But, physical attractiveness allows the time factor to be considerably shortened, which spells good news for both parties and everybody's happy.. with enough beer of course.

There's only so much wit, charm and corny jokes can do for a person. A carefree, laidback, atmosphere without the air of security does not really help much either in the realm of romance. Yes, as one can see, I am insecure, I am whining, I am not exactly boyfren material (waves *foryourowngood* talks about the right one for me away). It's the truth. And I know it. And I am content.

So there's a person. She likes a guy. From what she heard from the guy's frens, he appears to like her too. And now (pay attention, it's a tad different here), she KNOWS that he knows that she likes him. And because of that, is confused. The clincher to this perfectly mundane love tale is the lack of phone calls and contacts the guy has to her recently. Meaning he has not contacted her lately. So she's confused and apprehensive. From what I know, she doesn't want to take the first step. He too. They both do not want to appear desperate. They want to be cool about this. Which I find, is bloody irritating and conclude with fists shaking that they are idiots. With a capital E. The answer is right there. What's with the insecurity? What's with the 'hard to get' play? Y not just go there, and tell each other how they feel? Good things may happen. Bad things may happen. But at least... u did something. Isn't that what is important? Pining is not good. U lose weight and become a supermodel... oh wait.. that is good.. hmm...

Speaking about love, what is unconditional love? Love for all. Understanding for all. Now, this is why I dislike religion to a degree. Some who do practice religion are hypocrites. Maybe hypocrites is not the word im looking for... A person's religion (arrowing Christianity here, yes, I'm gonna get flamed, so flame me already...), so yes, Christianity, practises love and understanding for all. FOR ALL. The moment a Christian segregates people, distributes them into THEM and the OTHERS, then from then on, the idea of understanding is forever tainted with a bias judgement. Is this love?

I have tons of Christian frens. Tons. Truckloads. Noah's Arkloads. And they are great people. They know I'm a freethinker and they accept that. They invite me to know the religion, to understand God as He would want to understand me. They do not say it's for my own good. Maybe in their minds they think otherwise, but I wouldn't know, so they're safe. I make the choice here, the pressure isn't there. Take it slow and maybe the light will come. MAYBE. But there are others. These judge me, they think me sullied, they want what is good for me, because it's the only way I will not go to Hell. They are safe in the comfort of the 'righteous' and condemn the 'lost' me, who has not found the way. They offer me their religion without understanding why. They do not understand me, nor why they offer themselves to God. They do so to avoid Hell. That is not exactly a good ideal.

What my peeve is, is the way frens/siblings are treated, judged, yes it's a true account. A sister is judged. By a younger brother. She is seen to be unworthy. He offers his religion for her good. What right does he have to judge others, without understanding? He is not God. Nor is that what I consider love. He is what I term a bigot. A racist in a different sense. Pathetic. Yes, I may perhaps burn in hell, but I chose it that way. If my heart finally decides to embrace God, then I will, and I may still burn in Hell, but it's what I've desired. No more, no less.

I do believe in God. I talk to him daily, thanks to a wonderful woman's advice. It's not the comfort that finalises from it, rather the thought that I'm actually talking. Letting myself speak. About myself. I don't talk a lot, I babble.

Happy Bday Kenneth

As one can see, yes, I'm stressed from exams. Fuck it man. And fuck this mundane life of mine. I only have my frens to sustain me, which I fear may not be enough. I do not want to fall into a hole of despair and darkness and become a goth. Ah fuck, I'm hungry.